Tory Whanau may have to sell Wellington mayoralty to make ends meet September 20, 2024
Tory Whanau has revealed that she’s struggling so much financially that she may have to part with her beloved mayoralty, that of New Zealand’s capital city, if she’s to fund her ever-diminishing lifestyle. Whanau was elected to lead Wellington in 2022, winning an overwhelming victory against the incumbent mayor: the evil version of Jason Gunn. […]
Ben Uffindell
Ukrainian militia receives defective shipment of pagers that just send and receive messages September 18, 2024
There’s been a major setback for one Ukrainian-backed militia on the Russian border, after the group ordered a large shipment of pagers to use as improvised explosive devices. The plan was to litter the pagers throughout abandoned homes and buildings in hopes of wounding Russian soldiers. But upon arrival of the shipment, routed through the […]
Ben Uffindell
Government directs Te Puni Kōkiri to conduct Māori Language Week in English September 17, 2024
The coalition government has issued a directive to Te Puni Kōkiri, the Ministry of Māori Development, instructing them that – in the interests of clear communication – they are to conduct this year’s Māori Language Week primarily or exclusively in English. The directive is in line with the Government’s policy – signaled when they came […]
Ben Uffindell
Government celebrates fact that New Zealand’s healthcare is so good people are queuing up for it at 5am September 17, 2024
At yesterday’s post-cabinet press conference, Prime Minister Christopher Luxon, flanked by his Health Minister Shane Reti and someone we can’t independently verify was a real sign language interpreter, announced that he had some positive news for the country. “Alright team, I’m just going to hand over to uh, Dr. Shane, because I think he’s got […]
Ben Uffindell
Heartwarming: Thoughtful driver uses indicator to tell you what they’ve just done September 17, 2024
It’s 4:10pm in the morning, and you’re in the middle lane heading north on the great southern motorway of our nation’s capital, Auckland. There are no cars directly in front of you, but quite a few in the lane to your left. Suddenly, without warning, a black ute enters your lane, cutting in front of […]
Ben Uffindell
NPC teams will now be allowed to actually use the Ranfurly Shield in play September 17, 2024
Following decades of controversy, the governing body of New Zealand rugby, New Zealand Rugby, has ruled that the team currently holding the Ranfurly Shield may once again use it in play during the National Provincial Championship (NPC). The ruling restores the utility of a prize that for many years was rendered merely symbolic, after the […]
Ben Uffindell
Police say they won’t respond to bomb threats anymore as ‘it’s never anything’ September 16, 2024
Police Commissioner Andrew Coster says that New Zealand’s police force will no longer respond to bomb threats, in an attempt to cut costs and redirect police resources to less boring activities. Coster said that threat response and bomb disposal was a “fairly obvious” area for downsizing, as bomb threats are “never anything”, a “huge waste […]
Ben Uffindell
Air New Zealand flight attendant named CEO after one year on job November 30, 2021
New Zealand’s national carrier, Air New Zealand, has expressed great enthusiasm in announcing its new CEO today: 51-year-old Nathan Guy, a flight attendant who has spent about 1200 hours on the job. Guy joined the company as a fresh-faced, wide-eyed flight attendant serving now-reduced domestic routes in November of 2020, and has since spent a […]
Ben Uffindell
National Party board denies it unanimously agreed to Collins’ Faustian bargain with Satan November 26, 2021
National Party president Peter Goodfellow is today issuing a strong denial on behalf of the party’s board, saying they did not, at any point, agree to the Faustian bargain that National leader Judith Collins struck with the Evil One, Son of Perdition, the Devil Satan himself. When Collins became the leader of the National Party […]
Ben Uffindell
Super Saturday recap: Patrick Gower doesn’t know what he’s supposed to do October 16, 2021
It was Aotearoa’s first national day of action in over ten years, the first since 2010, when Prime Minister John Key tried to inspire us to clean up our nation’s berms. It didn’t work. Today, New Zealand’s berms are worse than ever. But history is not destiny, and other cliches. Today, we tried again, this […]
Ben Uffindell

ODT quiz: December 31 December 30, 2024
Cantabrians recognised in New Year Honours list December 30, 2024
Canterbury residents have been recognised on the New Year Honours list for their personal achievements and contributions to their community.
New Year honours 2025: the national list December 30, 2024
The New Zealand Order of Merit
Recognising the great and their teams December 30, 2024
The latest New Year’s Honours list is out, saluting New Zealand’s great and good.
Thousands expected at Rhythm & Alps December 30, 2024
Friends from Christchurch and Dunedin (from left) Kate Smith, Abbey Theobald and Sophie Strathern, are excited to set up their tent and begin enjoying the festival they look forward to at the end of each year. PHOTO: RAWAN SAADI A rainy start to the region’s largest music festival did little to deter the enthusiasm and […]
Opening major music festival ‘good fun’ December 30, 2024
The Beatniks lead vocalist, Sam Charles, is in his element as the band opens the festival. PHOTO: RAWAN SAADI Dunedin-born band The Beatniks proudly opened Rhythm & Alps yesterday, marking their first time performing at a major music festival.
Request to conserve water after heavy rain December 30, 2024
Water, water everywhere and ... and not a lot to drink.
Julie Asher
Reminder alcohol ban in force December 30, 2024
Te Anau. PHOTO: GETTY IMAGES Te Anau: Police are reminding Te Anau revellers of an alcohol ban in the Southland town, ahead of New Year’s Eve celebrations.
Bates set to be fifth female to reach 100 Super Smash games December 30, 2024
Suzie Bates. GETTY IMAGES Veteran White Ferns and Otago top-order batter Suzie Bates is set to join an elite list of female players to reach 100 Super Smash games during today’s match against the Central Hinds at Molyneux Park, Alexandra.
Adrian Seconi
Making his mark December 30, 2024
PHOTO: GETTY IMAGES Black Caps batter Mark Chapman plays through the offside during his side’s 45-run win in the second T20 international against Sri Lanka at Mount Maunganui last night.